Mentally I’m taking a beating these days.
Deep down most of my negative emotions are based on complete stupidity but they all have a root cause.
My disease is not under control and the evidence of this is staring me in the face more so as I notice my growing inability to do simple tasks like open a bottle of water at the Bomber game last night. I’m not winning the fight like I want to be.
I’m not even 40 for crying out loud.
I always saw my disease taking over bit by bit until I was 50 or 60. You know at an age where folks don’t look you up and down and declare that you are so young for that sort of thing.
I don’t like the term disabled when it comes to myself because well I don’t see myself that way. Or maybe it is because I don’t want to see myself that way. I want to see myself as strong and capable. I’m running in an election and know that I am an underdog (well in all honesty I have 33.3% odds just like the other two candidates) but combine that with my shortcomings and I feel like it will hinder folks belief that I can do the job I want them to hire me for. I don’t hide it from voters it is my biggest reason for being in this election…better chronic illness patient care, better access to clinical trials and medications.
I don’t like Kevin seeing me as disabled either. It bothers far more than I think anyone realizes.
Which is why I haven’t had a bath in like 2 years because I can’t get in out of the tub on my own and I’m too stubborn and proud to ask for any help. It isn’t that he wouldn’t help me he would and he’d do it with love and no judgement he would and yes, I know this is fact.
Kevin’s been around since the beginning and he probably accepted the reality of my disease long before I ever realized how it would affect me. 16 years together on Wednesday and I celebrate 15 years with arthritis next month.
He accepts life as it comes…I worry about the future all the damn time.
In football terms he’s got Swag and I don’t.
One thing I realized at the end of last night’s Bomber game is that Swaggerville is a state of mind.
Almost like Zen.
To have Swag is to crossover into a mindset of knowing what you are facing, how to succeed in doing it and being the winner on your own terms. Of knowing you have a support system of 1 person or 30,000 people that believe in you and know they can contribute to your success just because they believe in you. You also take it as it comes. Today Hamilton, tomorrow Saskatchewan, in November the Cup but you focus on today.
I want to have that state of mind knowing that Kevin has my back and with his belief others will too. It takes just one believer to turn into 30,000.
I don’t have that state of mind.
I have fear, doubt, concerns, jealousy…..
If there is a negative emotion I have it these days. Still.
I don’t like it and yet find myself mired in it. Like emotional quicksand. It sneaks up on me at night and by the light of day I’m up to my neck in negativity. I get up and put it in the back of my mind but it sneaks up as the day goes on and it doesn’t take much for it to flare up with the severity of arthritis itself.
I can’t seem to shake it off and I can’t find a way to deal with it so it will go the hell away.
I want it to go because I know from past experience that if I don’t make it go away eventually it becomes like a heavy blanket in winter. It insulates you so you stay buried in it because it becomes far easier to be and stay negative than to work up an effort to find anything positive in your life.
Firmly convinced that you are right in your pityfest eventually you watch for the first negative thing to go off on in those you love most because now it’s about proving your self dug black hole as justified because hell no one can love you because you are deeply flawed.
Eventually it becomes a game of how much can they take and still love me and what you fail to realize is it is never that they would stop loving you as much as they can’t deal with you anymore because there is no right answer, no action that will convince you or appease you, no grand gesture that re-enforces their love for you, no ending a fight with someone determined to go until someone bleeds and they figure better you than them.
I feel like I’ve typed these words before I probably have.
How the hell does some find some Swag and if you know enlighten me cause I really need some clue of how to get there.