Recently Kevin and I decided that we needed to find a close knit social circle. It was time to expand our horizons, meet new folks and go “where everybody knows your name”. Thanks to Facebook and my city being the biggest small town I’ve ever known we’ve made some connections and re-connections. I’ve found folks I went to high school with, folks that I’ve known for years because of a relationship with their brother and we are meeting new folks all the time right now.
This all sounds amazingly healthy right? Yet, it is causing large amounts of anxiety in me.
A recent emotional slap to the face by someone I not only trusted but highly respected has left me floundering. I don’t want to get burned so I don’t want to trust folks. So shaken by the slap am I that deep down I am even questioning trusting Kevin which is so entirely stupid because he’s not given me any reason not to trust him. I’ve not been a good wife lately because of this anxiety and bullshit. I’m working on that. It’s is probably less work than I think it is but I feel like I am trying to run uphill while dealing with it.
Kevin has always been a stand up husband. If he promises it it is in stone. Archeologist could find records of it carved in granite eons from now that’s how solid they are. I know this, he’s proven it, he proves it everyday. Yet he’s the one having to pay for some jackass (and if you take time to read this you know who you are sir) who I’ve managed to give the power of completely ruining my ego in their hands. I’m not sure how I get it back but I can tell you I don’t like where I am.
However, while I take a plunge into self pity hell and wonder how the fuck I got here I play a round of Why are you married to me? I mean I’m not good enough for this someone to consider me their equal so tell me Kevin why do you think I am good enough to be your equal. And if the jackass in question can’t see all the good, strong things in me maybe nobody else can either including Kevin.
Yeah cause 16 years of ups and downs, of living our vows everyday isn’t enough right. See I know this. I know it, I know I can bank on it and yet I’m terrified.
Which bring me to the new social circle. I’m terrified that this group of people aren’t going to see the good stuff…just what ever made the jackass think I wasn’t worthy of my shot.
Or what if they like Kevin and they don’t like me.
Yes, I know how very high school that sounds.
Yes, I swear I am really 36.
See we’ve agreed to make these friends together as a package deal. This about us expanding and changing as a couple. So if they don’t like me and they do just like him the whole thing could come apart like an unstable house of cards. Kevin isn’t one to make friends easily either so I feel a certain sense of obligation to try and make things work and put on a front which of course is stupid…cause nothing pushes folks away like a heaping pile of fake.
I don’t like the anxiety.
I don’t like the worry.
I don’t like freaking out about if I made the right paint choices for my daughter’s room or having crying jags at the thought that Nathaniel won’t like the fact that the room isn’t the shade of grey he really want. I don’t like worrying that folks won’t like me, that I always have to be perfect or that I need to be something I’m not.
I don’t like feeling like I am not good enough. Not as a wife, not as a mother, not as a friend (or potential friend in this case), not as a candidate, not as a anything.
And yet I do feel this way.
The part that sucks is deep down there is only one way to show the jackass how very wrong he is.
Live my life and be the best I can be.
Go back to being someone that can walk into a room and talk to anyone in a relaxed manner knowing I’m a good person, smart, occasionally funny, that tries hard, loves fiercely, that is loyal, the believes there is good in the world, that enjoys life because she is far too aware of how close she was to loosing all the joy that life has to offer.
Don’t let anyone say a cup of coffee can’t change your life. It’s completely screwing with mine.