Often in my younger years my bouts of insomnia could be tempered with a quiet moment of reflection and tea.
Of course now my quiet moments of reflection seem to be more worries about family and life.
Am I making the right choices?
Are my kids missing out with only one parent working?
Are my kids healty? Physically? Mentally?
Which one of them will be whammied like me?
How much longer will things be lean for us?
What debts can I eliminate the fastest?
I could go on.
At the heart of things I know my kids don’t lack for anything. They have a warm home, clean clothes, and access to good solid food. They don’t lack in the basic needs and there are even a few items that they have that aren’t on the basic list but make life a little sweeter. I’ve been reminded a few times this week that my kids could be a lot of things but they aren’t spoiled.
I don’t lie to them. If we don’t have money in the budget for fun things I re-assure them that we will try to fit it in next payday and that often works for them. They don’t like it and I don’t like saying no to them all the time but the lean times are coming to end…there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it gets bigger every payday that goes by. Soon some loans will be paid off and the monthly budget will grow largely. It’s just getting from here to there that seems to cause me the most stress. I don’t regret the loans I have taken out. My house needed new windows to make it warmer in the winter and thus the loan was needed at the time. We needed a reliable van (our first van would stop running if you stepped on the brake, listened to music and turned on the turn signal all at the same time) so we took out a loan to get one. Life sometimes requires credit to make things better and safer. My mission is to have no credit cards/loans/credit lines by the time I’m 45. Just a mortgage.
I am also meditation on Nathaniel tonight. Nathaniel doesn’t fake sick. He’ll lie about staying up to all hours reading and he’ll lie about playing Nintendo after he’s been busted but he’s never played sick. He and Ashleigh have been at Tae Kwon Do camp this week and I got a call today that Nathaniel was saying his head hurts. I head over to Iron Fist and find that he can barely stand up and after giving him some Motrin he curled up on an inflatable bed and didn’t want to be moved. He desperately wanted to stay and be able to give his end of week demonstration and show the new kick he’d been working on for board breaking. I laid down on the floor next to him to talk and re-assure there would be another time but he’s too much like his parents. He found determination to do it and swore it would happen. As I laid next to him he started to drift off and I headed home to get the video camera and Kevin and Nicholas. If he was going to push himself to the limits to do it…I was going to get his effort on video.
He did push himself, he did very well. He came home and ate a bit of dinner, soaked in a warm, quiet bath and then took himself to bed still wincing and quite upset to be in such pain. He was in bed before Nicholas.
I’m a firm believer in sleep as a restoritive measure. I hope he wakes up tomorrow feeling wonderful. However, part of me worries. I worry that at the heart he truly is fine. He’s not made a sound since he went to be 4 hours ago but part of me tells myself his body is doing what it needs to heal him and part of me worries that he needs to go to the ER and be seen by a Dr.
Mother…thy mission is worry.
I worry about the direction changes I am going to make and how they will affect my family. The choice to go into politics isn’t one to be made lightly because at it’s heart it is something that affects a family. The family will have to make changes and accomodate the new order of things as there will be meetings to attend, committees to contribuite to etc etc. Kevin’s behind me 110% and Nathaniel and Ashleigh are firmly behind me too. I talk to them about it and I know they are honestly there for me. I just hesitate sometimes wondering if I am subjecting them to something selfish and though I know I will go through with it because I have to try for myself to be happy with my life. I am not so much about winning but about being able to look my 3 kids in the eye and tell them that they should go for their dreams and work for them and that while it is o.k. to worry about failing that you only really fail when you run away or don’t try to make yourself happy. Life should be about no regrets.
Tea is done and as always I feel the pull of sleep.
I have decided tomorrow will be lazy day. I will only get up with Nicholas and let the older sleep as long as they need. Usually they would do class and spar but Ashleigh had a fever just 2 days ago and Nathaniel’s migraine today the best thing I can do is give them a relaxed morning, a simple breakfast, and maybe Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
I think I need to make the world stand still for a while and enjoy the simple things in life. When you enjoy them you always can find your perspective about the rest.