I’ve been having some real emotional issues these days. It’s really ticking me off because I often expect that I should be beyond sitting and crying for no reason. Turns out as Kevin pointed out that maybe there really is a reason for it after all. Still a piss off though.
A year is a short amount of time in the span of a life. A year ago we thought I had the flu, that I had caught something from the hospital as there was some H1N1 outbreaks in the hospital where I had Nicholas and we had to stay there for 3 days due to his heart murmur. I didn’t have the flu though for the second time in my life I tried to become one of the rare folks that can actually be killed by an arthritic flare up. It’s rare but it can happen and for 3 months last summer I barely functioned. I managed to get up with Nicholas in the middle of the night, change him, feed him and then tuck him back in the crib before falling into bed, fever breaking, sweat pouring and as it wore on wishing there was some end to it all. It was the most I managed to do all summer. I couldn’t eat, I shook all the time, I was either freezing or sweating. At one point I said to Kevin this is just like last time and he said not to buy trouble…maybe I should have been more forceful instead of dancing around tests and guesses.
I’m now officially afraid of fevers. If I never have another one ever again I can’t say that I would miss it.
Things are further complicated by the fact that as I watch Nicholas toddle and talk I don’t remember that time with Ashleigh. October 2006 I had my first severe flare up and it lined up with Ashleigh’s 1st birthday. I barely held on for Ashleigh’s birthday and if it wasn’t for Kevin there might not have even been a party to speak of. 10 days after Ashleigh’s birthday I was in the ER hallway of St. Boniface hospital wrapped in fever with Drs having no clue what was wrong…just that my immune system was insane. After I came home things are fuzzy. I can tell you that Ashleigh couldn’t be without Kevin for a long time. He’d go to shop for food and leave her with me and she would cry until he came home and it made me cry for my daughter to not have faith in me. I can tell you that she was eating more solid food. I can’t tell you when she said mom, when she walked full time, how her escalation of language went on, what her favourite stuffed animal was …I could go on.
So now I wonder if I have combination mother guilt and trauma flashbacks. I also wonder if I can ever get passed it.