Some folks juggle balls, I juggle knives. I always feel like they are knives because if I drop one something bad will happen because where I fail to manage properly will affect someone I know, some promise I made, some pain will be felt, some dissapointment will manifest. All because I can’t keep things in order.
I had to get a Blackberry just to organize myself because I triple booked myself in October and if I hadn’t had Kevin I would have let folks down including my son. I seem like I am in the perpetual state of keeping knives in the air. Kids, husband, job, political aspirations, political volunteer work, and at some point I want to get my BA in Political Science which is one more knife to throw in the air and keep in the air.
Why do I do that? I don’t know.
I want to be a good wife so I spend a lot of time making sure I am a solid partner to Kevin. Am I meeting him halfway? Am I giving him the support he needs? Do I understand everything he wants from life? Do I ask too much of him? Is he really happy? Can we survive the future that I want for myself as a team?
I want to be a good mother so I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to be one. I work hard at trying to curb the behaviours that I think make me a lacking parent and try to focus on those things that I thing make a good parent. Do I expect too much from my kids? Does Nathaniel really want to play football? Where can Ashleigh and I meet in the middle? When can I stop worrying about Nicholas? Why do I feel like I always have to yell? Did I forget anything that Nathaniel needs for school? Why doesn’t Ashleigh eat? Where is Nicholas going from here? How can they roll with the changes that chasing my dreams will bring for us?
I manage the money for the household. Sometimes I worry how to manage the money. Did I estimate enough for the groceries? How can I cut down the hydro bill? Why is the water bill so high? Am I getting the biggest bang for my buck when I get groceries? Are the kids getting good solid nutritious food for what I am spending?
I worry about how to get my work going strong. I worry about if I can leave to run for office. I know I should get an education and where can I fit that in my day. I’m lucky that I have the job flexibility I have and I know that but I want to see what else I can do with my life.
I am working on AGM Committees, I am on the school’s PAC, I am the Silent Auction Chair for the school’s BBQ fundraiser in June….it all keeps going on and on and I just keep taking things on and on. With the simple words of Sure I can do that for you I end up throwing a knife in the air with ones I already have up there.
I am beginning to think that I am slightly insane.